Saturday, 24 July 2010


My sincere apologies in advance for a very long post. Today's topics are things I had to process and since I've never been in favor of taboos, I decided to share it with all of you. Maybe one day they won't be a taboo anymore and maybe one day we can talk openly about this type of things, thus making it easier for the victims to get help and stop feeling guilty, ashamed and inadequate for something that was never their fault.

There is a lot of prejudice when it comes to infidelity and emotional abuse. There seems to be the common belief (at least until the Sandra Bullock "case") that women are cheated on if they are unattractive and/or not interested in sex. Likewise, there seems to be a general opinion that women in abusive relationships are to blame for the continuous abuse, because "…they could just get up and leave". I hope to help spread the understanding that it is far from being that simple.

To avoid lawsuits, let me at this point assure that all examples and scenarios below are fiction. Any and all resemblance to existing places and/or persons is purely co-incidental and completely unintentional. I have "borrowed" material from several websites, blogs, and support groups - I thank the suppliers of the material (especially Dr. Sam Vaknin).

Deal or No Deal?

'Here's the deal, sweetie. For several months or so, I'm going to pretend to be everything you ever wanted. I'll shower you with attention, affection and all manner of stuff to make you feel special. Then, once I know you're depending on me as your significant other, and have made a commitment, I'm going to quit pretending and be who I really am. I'm going to start treating you really badly, I'll say insensitive things, I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll be really cruel, possibly humiliate you in public. Your job will be to figure out what happened and do everything in your power to restore the relationship to what it was, until you either die, try to kill yourself, or collapse and get sent to hospital, which will be pretty funny because there's no chance whatsoever I'll ever pretend to be that 'nice guy' again – and by the way, it WAS a pretence. So what do you say, sweetie? Do we have a deal? Several years of hell in exchange for a few months of fantasy?'

Obviously, nobody would accept that deal, but for approx 2% of the Western population - the majority of them women - the above scenario is reality within their relationship. These people have become involved with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (N) or is a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS).

The Psychopath

If you have been lied to AND cheated on AND humiliated/discredited in public AND verbally abused AND bullied AND disrespected in other ways within a relationship, you very likely suffered being the prey of an N or NS.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines narcissism personality disorder (NPD) as an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts.

To an average person, a narcissist may seem to be quite self-confident and accomplished-- but really the narcissist suffers from a great deficit in self-esteem and needs an outside supply of adulation, admiration, fame, greatness.

A typical Narcissistic Sociopath:

· is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment. They will tell horror stories of their (previous) partners and create a web of lies to convince third parties that they are cute, patient & innocent, whereas their (previous) partners are horrible people.

· has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act

· excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive

· uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)

· is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly

· cannot be trusted or relied upon

· fails to fulfill commitments

· is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, he/she displays the emotional age of a five-year-old

· exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters. Often, he prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. The narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator

· in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy

· holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret

· is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement

· displays a compulsive need to criticize, especially previous and current victims

· refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer

· undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask

· is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them

· is quick to discredit anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors

· is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call him to account

· gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to

· is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)

· when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

· is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation

· is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty

· is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication

The Narcissist often lacks insight into his or her behavior and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that he/she is aware, but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound.

Narcissists are PATHOLOGICAL liars. This means that they are either unaware of their lies – or feel completely justified and at ease in lying to others. Often, they believe their own lies and attain "retroactive veracity". Their very essence is a huge, contrived, lie: the FALSE Self, the grandiose FANTASIES, and the IDEALISED objects.

Most narcissists reject the notion or diagnosis that they are mentally disturbed. Absent powers of introspection and a total lack of self-awareness are part and parcel of the disorder. Pathological narcissism is founded on alloplastic defences - the firm conviction that the world or others are to blame for one's behavior. The narcissist firmly believes that people around him should be held responsible for his reactions or have triggered them. With such a state of mind so firmly entrenched, the narcissist is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM.

While victims of Narcissists are generally codependents, most have no idea how they got in this situation, because in the early stages of the relationship the Narcissistic person can be the most charming, Academy Award winning actor or actress (according to the DSM-IV, 50-75% of narcissists are men), of the century.

The early days of the dating is fast, furious, and vastly romantic. Oftentimes marriage proposals come within a few weeks. The "victim" sees the narcissist as the "Perfect Partner". She's never met someone so wonderful in her lifetime and falls head-over-heels in love. The two go on to live happily ever after - or so she thinks - until the "real" partner surfaces. The once wonderful Dr. Jekyll turns into the dangerous Mr. Hyde who quickly instills fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and total confusion to the relationship. She often finds out that there were other women on the side all the time.

The change can be quick and powerful or slow and insidious.

We are all way too familiar with overt narcissists: those abusive husbands who send thousands of battered women to the emergency room each year. They feel it is their God-given right to beat, abuse, and otherwise mis-treat their partner in whatever method they deem necessary and no one can tell them otherwise.

Then there is the verbally abusive and controlling narcissist - the one who uses emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He erodes her self-worth to nothing to keep her under his control.

Who else could possible want such a worthless woman as she? With that belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day after day is emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly unhealthy.

Yet almost worse is the "Stealth Narcissist," so sinister and silent in his ability to drive his partner crazy that she doesn't suspect anything bad is happening until it's too late. He is the master of the little digs - "Honey, why on earth would you cook eggs in butter? NO ONE does it that way. What's wrong with you?" Or, "If you'd only do what I say then we'd both be happy."

He issues the "silent treatment" when he is slighted, punishing his spouse by ignoring her for hours, leaving her wondering what she did "wrong" to make him act this way. He may "forget" birthday or Christmas presents, year after year. He may show up hours late and his partner is just supposed to understand, with no explanation even offered. He may have another woman on the side and feel quite entitled to do so. Yet, to those outside his inner kingdom he looks like a saint. He may tell her she's too skinny while openly admiring over-weight women - or vice versa.

No matter which type of narcissist he is, the end result is the same - a slow, insidious, breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until there's next to nothing left, at which point, the narcissist will frequently throw his partner out in order to look for someone new and full of life to make his next target. Leaving his victim an emotional wreck wondering what she did to destroy their once "perfect" relationship. He typically discards his partner after 11-13 years and generally has his new prey lined up already.

The Narcissist himself rarely changes. Why should you change your behavior for anyone else? Yet the biggest secret is that deep inside, he loathes himself, and is desperate that no one find out who the "real" person is inside his tough, outer shell.

When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie.

Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

The N/NS has many alters, many secret lives, and they count on others to reinforce the idea that they 'would never do such a thing' and that they 'are not like that'. Ironically, the N/NS will tell lies and slander their "friends" and previous partners, offering privileged, private and intimate information they were told in confidence.

The Abuse

The problem was swept under the carpet for generations and even today, society largely ignores domestic violence and abuse. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.

Overt abuse is defined as the open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, betraying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.

Covert abuse revolves around the abuser's need to assert and maintain control over his victim. It can wear many forms, not all of which are self-evident, unequivocal, and unambiguous.

Ambient abuse is the fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

For those who don’t know what gaslighting is, it’s something our abusers do or say to make US think WE’RE the ones who are going insane. They say and do things to make us question our sanity, our memory of events, our boundaries, our values, and our beliefs. It’s when they says things like:

• “I never said that.” (when you KNOW they did and have a clear memory of it)
• “You’re imagining things.” (when you KNOW you’re not)
• “You’re always overreacting.” (when you’re reacting EXACTLY as any normal, well-adjusted person would react.
• “You’re such a drama queen.” (when HE is the one creating drama)
• “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” (when you know EXACTLY what you’re talking about)
• “You’re always accusing me of things.” (when, the reason you accuse him of things is because you KNOW he has lied or cheated)
• “You’re always so suspicious.” (when he has given you AMPLE reason to be)
• “What about all the sh*t you’ve done to ME?” (when you haven’t done a THING to him other than love him, appease him, cater to his every want and whim)

Gaslighting is when your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time - you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong and that his inappropriate behavior is perfectly all right. Typically, he will tell the other people at the dinner party that you are jealous, possessive etc.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: third parties consider the victim mentally deranged and the abuser as the suffering soul.

Most abusers use more than one type of abuse.

A proposed law in France will make chronic emotional abuse a criminal offense this year. This is a global first in the war against psychological abuse in relationships.

The victim

Whatever happened? - You ask yourself. After all, he came on like a hurricane. You were probably blown over from day one, isn’t that so? He was practically chasing you and the more you resisted, the more he tried to win you over. He wanted you to move in with him almost immediately and even asked you to marry him after only weeks or a few months together.

It is easy to slip on blinders when some handsome man with seemingly so much going for him suddenly wants to see you all the time. And then, there were undoubtedly romantic dinners, those flowers, and extravagant gifts that seemed a bit much because of the newness of your relationship. Nonetheless, you likely accepted them because he had some reason why you should. He kept pointing out how much you had in common. That he had never lived fully until he met you. That his previous relationship was boring and meaningless - and that he only stayed with his ex out of a sense of duty.

Because he was being so nice and so thoughtful, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, either. Besides, everything seemed just oh so right.

Until it seemed all so wrong instead.

What is remarkable is that most people who experience this kind of manipulation are actually very successful in every other area of their lives and could never imagine themselves in an abusive relationship, but this is such a gradual process that it tends to creep up on them - and by the time they realize it, the damage is usually already done.

The abuse doesn't happen because the victims volunteer for it. The abuse happens because the abusers lie, manipulate and speak in mixed messages, and out of love and a sense of fairness we trust them.

The narcissist / narcissistic sociopath is bad even for your looks – reason enough in itself to leave him quickly. He will make you feel ugly, unwanted, inadequate, not up to his standard, no matter how intelligent, good-looking, or smart you are. He makes you feel like this so that you are in line with his dreadful feelings about himself.

Many women never realize they were victims, even when they are discarded by the N/NS after 11-13 years, which is the time it typically takes him to suck a soul dry. They are left wondering what happened, why he said "I love you" one day and left her the next day. And how he can get over her so quickly that he has a new "love" within only weeks or even days.

We have to deal with the fact that even knowing what they're doing, and how unfair and hurtful it is to us, the N/NS may not care … due to their lack of compassion for anyone else, and because they are emotional sadists.

Loving a N/NS is like fighting an addiction. Even if you realize what is happening and what he is doing to you, you may not be able to resist him. It's entirely understandable. At one time you felt great love and passion for this man, and there is some part of you that WISHES he wasn't what you know him to be, WISHES it wasn't all true, that it didn't happen the way it did, and that you could GET BACK that guy you thought he was. A woman is easily tempted to think maybe this is some sort of aberration, something going on in his life, stress, mental illness, and that the OTHER GUY, the one she fell in love with was the REAL HIM. It is horrible having to finally face the fact that she fell in love with a Jekyll and Hyde facade. It absolutely sucks.

What is it like when you are the victim?? - He knew how to seduce you. In fact, you enjoyed great sex in those early days. After a while, though, it might be practically nonexistent or else abusive. Often, he continues seducing other women despite being in a relationship with you (he'll flirt, have sex, use Facebook/MSN/emails /chats/dating sites - he'll make sure he has supply available, his self esteem needs it as a boost).

But despite the fact this man now shouts obscenities at you regularly, you probably make excuses for his bad behavior. You want to cling to the image he presented in the beginning. You are most likely a lovely woman, and it is because you are a lovely woman that he was attracted to you in the first place.

He probably suspected you were the codependent type who would bend over backwards to please him. Yes, you would forfeit your own needs and desires while he battered you with his emotional abuse and verbal abuse. It is probably because you are a caring and empathic person that you have trouble seeing the truth about your relationship, too.

You tell yourself that if you could only be better yet, things would be okay. You blame yourself for the fact he is not pleased – and secretly believe he has the right to belittle you. It can be difficult to take off the blinders you are invariably wearing and stare the truth hard in the face. You should remind yourself how long it has been since your narcissistic spouse has come bearing flowers and gifts – including just the gift of kind and empathic words.

How do you get out?

A narcissist is with his partner because he regards IT as a Source of Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put differently: the minute that the partner ceases to supply him with what he needs - he loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously - the narcissist objectifies his partners, treats them as he would inanimate objects.)

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon Sources of Narcissistic Supply) to devaluation (reserved for other mortals) is so swift that it is likely to inflict pain upon the narcissist's partner, even if he previously prayed for the narcissist to depart and leave him alone. The partner is the narcissist's pusher and the drug that he is proffering is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the narcissist's very essence (his False Self).

Without Narcissistic Supply the narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and shrivels - very much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to sunlight.

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: if you wish to sever your relationship with the narcissist, stop providing him with what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him (or put him in perspective and proportion), compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticize him, make suggestions, and offer help. In short, deprive him of that illusion which holds his personality together.

A narcissist / narcissistic sociopath will decide when he's finished preying on you, when you may be discarded. If you try to end the relationship, he will behave like a 5-year-old, whose favorite toy is taken away: he'll be angry, he'll try to make you feel sorry for him, he'll pretend he doesn't want you and then he'll throw another jealousy tantrum - he'll continue until you give in and take him back, or until you manage to make it absolutely clear that you will have nothing to do with him ever again. If you offer him any attention, he'll take advantage and once again manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

There is only one way: run, run fast - and don't look back!!

Many victims suffer 2-3 years before finally recovering reasonably from a relationship with a N/NS - and many receive treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When comparing experiences it is remarkable and quite scary to notice how similar their N/NS partners were/are - it feels as they are all a clone of the same man. They do and say almost exactly the same.

If you do manage to break free, congratulate yourself that you got out of there before he drained your soul completely and be proud that you saved yourself.

If you didn't break free, if you were hit by the steam roller and still have no idea what went wrong and why you were suddenly discarded, please remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a sick man and though you may still love him, he is seriously bad for you!

Here's a big hug to all my old and new friends - especially those of you who have helped me through the past 18 months. Thanks to you, I am now free and strong; rather than broken and devastated.



Anonymous said...

Wonderful Karin, Thank You for this.

Lynn said...

Thank you so much Karin for this information and sharing your heartbreaking and unfortunate experience with a narcissist.
I am recovering from a situation that has been in the making since the fall of 2008 and your thoughts and advice are invaluable and so helpful to me at this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

This absolutely describes Randy Lobban. I never saw it coming.

cherbie said...

dear karin
i'm so happy to read this post of yours especially the last few lines. i think after going through a hard time like you have it is great that you have found it in yourself to share your experience(s) to inform, enlighten, and inspire other people, to tell them that they can CHOOSE the kind of life they want to live.

and you are in thailand, which is wonderful to decompress and heal. if anything, at least you're close to nature, a simple life(style), and surrounded by a whole heap of things to do.

recon (cheryl)

Anonymous said...

Can i say i somehow fell onto your site. and not all men are bad.

But having just read what i read so sounds the same in reverse, im no saint.
But some how fell into a similiar situation, having split from longterm partner and leaving my daughter.
i ended up with a person 4mnths later that turned out to be seeing someone else, for the whole 8mnths we were together.
joys of the internet.

Broke my heart, but stupidly built myself up and met the women of my dreams not so really, ended up with me being convinced she was beaten up by her x and her father.

Some how i ended up quiting my job, sorting a house for her to move 400miles. and I had given up medication for cleaner body on her surgestion when i have a liver condition.

Think we know were this is going, then hits me with im seeing someone else. when im in the car and driving up to see her.

Your world is distroyed,and yes i tried to end it.
I lost me life by being lied to, all gone because of my will to see what i wanted and not the person that was there.

up shot we spoke couple of times after, tells me she lied. and then she has cancer and wants to be with her family,so i cried like you do and sent her a teddy and some hot chocolates. Turns out another lie.

Makes you never want to allow anybody in again.

Being a diver and underwaterphotgrapher, all i can say is nobody will ever take that world away from me and believe from you either karin.

May well be your place of peace

And maybe one day you find someone to enjoy the things that you do with you.

Thank you for your words
Take care

FH representative said...

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<fishead( Asia-Pacific

Anonymous said...

I'm 25 years old I feel broken. I have been with my NS for 8 years. Yesterday I found out even more lies and a completely different life he has with different women. We have a daughter together although I'm the only one responsible for her. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out. Everytime I ignore him and block him he comes back. I just want to feel normal again. It's gottet to the point where I feel suspicious of everyone. Thank you for your article. I will try and run and never turn back.

Anonymous said...


You've described my Life to a T.

I know I am not crazy.

Maybe there is still hope for me, it feels as if a burden was just lifted off of my chest reading this.

Anonymous said...

I am more than grateful to have found this site and this particular post. It is literally a gift from God! I have been in a relationship - emotional affair - for a little over 2.5 years and I can only say THANK GOD I found this article! I have had an epiphany. It has taken years if therapy, using professional psychics, and almost losing everything to wake up to what was happening to me. I am hardly a victim. I am a self confident successful businesswoman with a huge heart and sadly naaive! The good news is I am on Day 13 of detoxing from this man, getting stronger every day. I shut him down after he apologized for some aweful behavior towards me, telling him I need more time to heal - like a lifetime! I want to thank you for saving me years of agony.

Anonymous said...

My GOD !!!!! This is about my very first long term relationship. I walked away from him after 5 years, but felt like everything was my fault. Big time and disaster. I thought I was strong enough to handle it by myself. Did not look for professional help for many years. The story repeated later in my life with someone else; it was less damage but I couldn't believe I did it again. This time I found a pro help. Still working on myself and I am so happy I saw your blog. I just have to trust myself. Now I know I deserve happiness in my life.

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Anonymous said...

I wish I were dead because of the daily hell i am currently going through. I was sucked in 5 years ago and in that time i have been drained dry in every way possible. It is harder with a child involved. I now pray daily for my end.

Anonymous said...

OMG Help Me. At this very moment I can barely see breathe stay awake. I feel like I'm gonna be very sick and pass out. WHY WHY Doesn't anyone recognize this as legitimate life altering shattering.
I was in my relationship/marriage for 17 years. I've been divorced 5 1/2 years. The abuse continues to this very day. OMG It just doesn't matter. It really does not matter. No One Cares.
My God my 13 year old son physically attacked me as I was driving just April 1st, 2015. His screaming explosive threats I had been recording since Christmas. Begging anyone to help.
The attack happened. Police came. Hospital Staff. I WAS APOLOGIZIED FOR! And HE was patted on the Back told to "Hang In There Buddy, it'll be alright"!

I KNEW THEN all the years, my character, my reputation, my family, my friends, no co-workers, my home, my car, my health, finally ALL my children, GONE. I Have Nothing. No One. No Where to Go.
A Walking Corpse. A Shell of a Human Being. Destined to live among the Faceless Individuals who have become the Shadows of the Streets.
Abused and Raped by my Narc AND a System So Flawed WHY Even Try?

Anonymous said...

OMG Help Me. At this very moment I can barely see breathe stay awake. I feel like I'm gonna be very sick and pass out. WHY WHY Doesn't anyone recognize this as legitimate life altering shattering.
I was in my relationship/marriage for 17 years. I've been divorced 5 1/2 years. The abuse continues to this very day. OMG It just doesn't matter. It really does not matter. No One Cares.
My God my 13 year old son physically attacked me as I was driving just April 1st, 2015. His screaming explosive threats I had been recording since Christmas. Begging anyone to help.
The attack happened. Police came. Hospital Staff. I WAS APOLOGIZIED FOR! And HE was patted on the Back told to "Hang In There Buddy, it'll be alright"!

I KNEW THEN all the years, my character, my reputation, my family, my friends, no co-workers, my home, my car, my health, finally ALL my children, GONE. I Have Nothing. No One. No Where to Go.
A Walking Corpse. A Shell of a Human Being. Destined to live among the Faceless Individuals who have become the Shadows of the Streets.
Abused and Raped by my Narc AND a System So Flawed WHY Even Try?

Anonymous said...

Well said! ��

Anonymous said...

I just came across this post and what an insightful read! It has been 3 years 1 month since my NS decided he was done with me and moved on to his next target. It has only been within the last 6 months that I have even begun to understand the depths of which I had been "used, abused, deceived" Each day as I awaken a little more to what was, and what was not right within our relationship, I am also beginning to find myself again. This re-awakening, even though it is a process and travels that emotional roller coaster, is a glorious process! Thank you for your insights.

Shani said...

Karin, This is the most spot-on accurate description I've ever seen. Thank you! Will you please consider adding an image to your post so it can be shared easily on Pinterest and other social media sites? This is so important! Thank you again!

Unknown said...

Hey Katen that's good news girl you will start to live now. Because there IS NO LIFE with a narcissist. There is only survival & looking for escape.

You have np VOICE either and you fear to speak too. Your self esteem is vanished and you have nothing on the tank. Then you were also probably tierce there with children top & the stims of what will the family & others say.

At least you could get zupport by the wider family of the WWW & reaching out to other women who could help by saying there IS LIFE AFTER almost oblivion.

I a SURVIVIR of such domestic violence but I made my break under violent conditions with no support and it was

Unknown said...

It was 20 years ago.

BUT. I've been FACING PFF with a psychopath competitor that's obsessed with my destruction now for 12 years and it's NOT STOPPED & there's NO ESCAPE.,

He won't stop until my destruction.

Unknown said...

It means he wants me dead. Or in jail. It means he has the police believing bullshit with bullshit charges also against me. Meaning bullshit

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Anonymous said...

I have printed off copies of your post to send to my family, etc. I have finally found what i was looking for. This is my nightmare. Three years to the day and i am alive. I will survive and i will teach this to my children and my grandchildren should they come across evil like this. Maybe i had to go through this. Its my story to a T. I could have written it as it describes what i have gone through. I nearly did not make it. I am free at last and i want to say thank you for writing this so i can find some closure by sending these off to the people that turned their back on me when i asked for help. Just a crazy woman making it all up. My sister and daughter did what they could after three mental institutions and he was there to pick me up, to bring me home and to start again until he killed me. I made it. Yahoooooooo.

Unknown said...

The sad part is that the victim is usually portrayed as the perpetrator by the Narcissist and their friends, family and colleagues believe it without question.

Much needed.. thank you.

Unknown said...

I have felt the same and been treated the same.. you are seen as the crazy one making it up and the narcissist makes himself out to be the victim.. people believe him rather than would be surprised how many people situations this applies to.

I am so glad that you have made it. God bless you and heal your heart and mind.

Unknown said...

Seriously, is it really that hard to type s/he?
I absolutely loved the content in this article, and will be using it in hopes of
opening some blind eyes, but WHY do I have to go in and manually change it to fit both genders?
It's really not fair to us men, as in your article you said; "it is thought 50-75% are men."
What if 50% is closer to the truth, as most recent studies show in the case of the psycho/sociopath?
I'd really like you to thoughtfully consider the bias an article that says things like "most men" implies, not to mention the amount of shame and ridicule I as a man already have to deal with because of the ignorance of most people, who know NOTHING of the covert malignant narcissistic sociopath, who systematically dismantled me, and raised my stress to the point I now have a heart issue.
Please, won't you consider?

Thank you.

Unknown said...

13 years. Almost to the day. I got out and will never go back.