THE SILENT VICTIMS

My sincere apologies in advance for a very long post. Today's topics are things I had to process and since I've never been in favor of taboos, I decided to share it with all of you. Maybe one day they won't be a taboo anymore and maybe one day we can talk openly about this type of things, thus making it easier for the victims to get help and stop feeling guilty, ashamed and inadequate for something that was never their fault.

There is a lot of prejudice when it comes to infidelity and emotional abuse. There seems to be the common belief (at least until the Sandra Bullock "case") that women are cheated on if they are unattractive and/or not interested in sex. Likewise, there seems to be a general opinion that women in abusive relationships are to blame for the continuous abuse, because "…they could just get up and leave". I hope to help spread the understanding that it is far from being that simple.

To avoid lawsuits, let me at this point assure that all examples and scenarios below are fiction. Any and all resemblance to existing places and/or persons is purely co-incidental and completely unintentional. I have "borrowed" material from several websites, blogs, and support groups - I thank the suppliers of the material (especially Dr. Sam Vaknin).

Deal or No Deal?

'Here's the deal, sweetie. For several months or so, I'm going to pretend to be everything you ever wanted. I'll shower you with attention, affection and all manner of stuff to make you feel special. Then, once I know you're depending on me as your significant other, and have made a commitment, I'm going to quit pretending and be who I really am. I'm going to start treating you really badly, I'll say insensitive things, I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll be really cruel, possibly humiliate you in public. Your job will be to figure out what happened and do everything in your power to restore the relationship to what it was, until you either die, try to kill yourself, or collapse and get sent to hospital, which will be pretty funny because there's no chance whatsoever I'll ever pretend to be that 'nice guy' again – and by the way, it WAS a pretence. So what do you say, sweetie? Do we have a deal? Several years of hell in exchange for a few months of fantasy?'

Obviously, nobody would accept that deal, but for approx 2% of the Western population - the majority of them women - the above scenario is reality within their relationship. These people have become involved with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (N) or is a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS).

The Psychopath

If you have been lied to AND cheated on AND humiliated/discredited in public AND verbally abused AND bullied AND disrespected in other ways within a relationship, you very likely suffered being the prey of an N or NS.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines narcissism personality disorder (NPD) as an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts.

To an average person, a narcissist may seem to be quite self-confident and accomplished-- but really the narcissist suffers from a great deficit in self-esteem and needs an outside supply of adulation, admiration, fame, greatness.

A typical Narcissistic Sociopath:

· is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment. They will tell horror stories of their (previous) partners and create a web of lies to convince third parties that they are cute, patient & innocent, whereas their (previous) partners are horrible people.

· has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act

· excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive

· uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)

· is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly

· cannot be trusted or relied upon

· fails to fulfill commitments

· is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, he/she displays the emotional age of a five-year-old

· exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters. Often, he prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. The narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator

· in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy

· holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret

· is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement

· displays a compulsive need to criticize, especially previous and current victims

· refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer

· undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask

· is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them

· is quick to discredit anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors

· is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call him to account

· gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to

· is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)

· when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

· is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation

· is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty

· is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication

The Narcissist often lacks insight into his or her behavior and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that he/she is aware, but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound.

Narcissists are PATHOLOGICAL liars. This means that they are either unaware of their lies – or feel completely justified and at ease in lying to others. Often, they believe their own lies and attain "retroactive veracity". Their very essence is a huge, contrived, lie: the FALSE Self, the grandiose FANTASIES, and the IDEALISED objects.

Most narcissists reject the notion or diagnosis that they are mentally disturbed. Absent powers of introspection and a total lack of self-awareness are part and parcel of the disorder. Pathological narcissism is founded on alloplastic defences - the firm conviction that the world or others are to blame for one's behavior. The narcissist firmly believes that people around him should be held responsible for his reactions or have triggered them. With such a state of mind so firmly entrenched, the narcissist is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM.

While victims of Narcissists are generally codependents, most have no idea how they got in this situation, because in the early stages of the relationship the Narcissistic person can be the most charming, Academy Award winning actor or actress (according to the DSM-IV, 50-75% of narcissists are men), of the century.

The early days of the dating is fast, furious, and vastly romantic. Oftentimes marriage proposals come within a few weeks. The "victim" sees the narcissist as the "Perfect Partner". She's never met someone so wonderful in her lifetime and falls head-over-heels in love. The two go on to live happily ever after - or so she thinks - until the "real" partner surfaces. The once wonderful Dr. Jekyll turns into the dangerous Mr. Hyde who quickly instills fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and total confusion to the relationship. She often finds out that there were other women on the side all the time.

The change can be quick and powerful or slow and insidious.

We are all way too familiar with overt narcissists: those abusive husbands who send thousands of battered women to the emergency room each year. They feel it is their God-given right to beat, abuse, and otherwise mis-treat their partner in whatever method they deem necessary and no one can tell them otherwise.

Then there is the verbally abusive and controlling narcissist - the one who uses emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He erodes her self-worth to nothing to keep her under his control.

Who else could possible want such a worthless woman as she? With that belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day after day is emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly unhealthy.

Yet almost worse is the "Stealth Narcissist," so sinister and silent in his ability to drive his partner crazy that she doesn't suspect anything bad is happening until it's too late. He is the master of the little digs - "Honey, why on earth would you cook eggs in butter? NO ONE does it that way. What's wrong with you?" Or, "If you'd only do what I say then we'd both be happy."

He issues the "silent treatment" when he is slighted, punishing his spouse by ignoring her for hours, leaving her wondering what she did "wrong" to make him act this way. He may "forget" birthday or Christmas presents, year after year. He may show up hours late and his partner is just supposed to understand, with no explanation even offered. He may have another woman on the side and feel quite entitled to do so. Yet, to those outside his inner kingdom he looks like a saint. He may tell her she's too skinny while openly admiring over-weight women - or vice versa.

No matter which type of narcissist he is, the end result is the same - a slow, insidious, breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until there's next to nothing left, at which point, the narcissist will frequently throw his partner out in order to look for someone new and full of life to make his next target. Leaving his victim an emotional wreck wondering what she did to destroy their once "perfect" relationship. He typically discards his partner after 11-13 years and generally has his new prey lined up already.

The Narcissist himself rarely changes. Why should you change your behavior for anyone else? Yet the biggest secret is that deep inside, he loathes himself, and is desperate that no one find out who the "real" person is inside his tough, outer shell.

When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie.

Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

The N/NS has many alters, many secret lives, and they count on others to reinforce the idea that they 'would never do such a thing' and that they 'are not like that'. Ironically, the N/NS will tell lies and slander their "friends" and previous partners, offering privileged, private and intimate information they were told in confidence.

The Abuse

The problem was swept under the carpet for generations and even today, society largely ignores domestic violence and abuse. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.

Overt abuse is defined as the open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, betraying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.

Covert abuse revolves around the abuser's need to assert and maintain control over his victim. It can wear many forms, not all of which are self-evident, unequivocal, and unambiguous.

Ambient abuse is the fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

For those who don’t know what gaslighting is, it’s something our abusers do or say to make US think WE’RE the ones who are going insane. They say and do things to make us question our sanity, our memory of events, our boundaries, our values, and our beliefs. It’s when they says things like:

• “I never said that.” (when you KNOW they did and have a clear memory of it)
• “You’re imagining things.” (when you KNOW you’re not)
• “You’re always overreacting.” (when you’re reacting EXACTLY as any normal, well-adjusted person would react.
• “You’re such a drama queen.” (when HE is the one creating drama)
• “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” (when you know EXACTLY what you’re talking about)
• “You’re always accusing me of things.” (when, the reason you accuse him of things is because you KNOW he has lied or cheated)
• “You’re always so suspicious.” (when he has given you AMPLE reason to be)
• “What about all the sh*t you’ve done to ME?” (when you haven’t done a THING to him other than love him, appease him, cater to his every want and whim)

Gaslighting is when your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time - you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong and that his inappropriate behavior is perfectly all right. Typically, he will tell the other people at the dinner party that you are jealous, possessive etc.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: third parties consider the victim mentally deranged and the abuser as the suffering soul.

Most abusers use more than one type of abuse.

A proposed law in France will make chronic emotional abuse a criminal offense this year. This is a global first in the war against psychological abuse in relationships.

The victim

Whatever happened? - You ask yourself. After all, he came on like a hurricane. You were probably blown over from day one, isn’t that so? He was practically chasing you and the more you resisted, the more he tried to win you over. He wanted you to move in with him almost immediately and even asked you to marry him after only weeks or a few months together.

It is easy to slip on blinders when some handsome man with seemingly so much going for him suddenly wants to see you all the time. And then, there were undoubtedly romantic dinners, those flowers, and extravagant gifts that seemed a bit much because of the newness of your relationship. Nonetheless, you likely accepted them because he had some reason why you should. He kept pointing out how much you had in common. That he had never lived fully until he met you. That his previous relationship was boring and meaningless - and that he only stayed with his ex out of a sense of duty.

Because he was being so nice and so thoughtful, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, either. Besides, everything seemed just oh so right.

Until it seemed all so wrong instead.

What is remarkable is that most people who experience this kind of manipulation are actually very successful in every other area of their lives and could never imagine themselves in an abusive relationship, but this is such a gradual process that it tends to creep up on them - and by the time they realize it, the damage is usually already done.

The abuse doesn't happen because the victims volunteer for it. The abuse happens because the abusers lie, manipulate and speak in mixed messages, and out of love and a sense of fairness we trust them.

The narcissist / narcissistic sociopath is bad even for your looks – reason enough in itself to leave him quickly. He will make you feel ugly, unwanted, inadequate, not up to his standard, no matter how intelligent, good-looking, or smart you are. He makes you feel like this so that you are in line with his dreadful feelings about himself.

Many women never realize they were victims, even when they are discarded by the N/NS after 11-13 years, which is the time it typically takes him to suck a soul dry. They are left wondering what happened, why he said "I love you" one day and left her the next day. And how he can get over her so quickly that he has a new "love" within only weeks or even days.

We have to deal with the fact that even knowing what they're doing, and how unfair and hurtful it is to us, the N/NS may not care … due to their lack of compassion for anyone else, and because they are emotional sadists.

Loving a N/NS is like fighting an addiction. Even if you realize what is happening and what he is doing to you, you may not be able to resist him. It's entirely understandable. At one time you felt great love and passion for this man, and there is some part of you that WISHES he wasn't what you know him to be, WISHES it wasn't all true, that it didn't happen the way it did, and that you could GET BACK that guy you thought he was. A woman is easily tempted to think maybe this is some sort of aberration, something going on in his life, stress, mental illness, and that the OTHER GUY, the one she fell in love with was the REAL HIM. It is horrible having to finally face the fact that she fell in love with a Jekyll and Hyde facade. It absolutely sucks.

What is it like when you are the victim?? - He knew how to seduce you. In fact, you enjoyed great sex in those early days. After a while, though, it might be practically nonexistent or else abusive. Often, he continues seducing other women despite being in a relationship with you (he'll flirt, have sex, use Facebook/MSN/emails /chats/dating sites - he'll make sure he has supply available, his self esteem needs it as a boost).

But despite the fact this man now shouts obscenities at you regularly, you probably make excuses for his bad behavior. You want to cling to the image he presented in the beginning. You are most likely a lovely woman, and it is because you are a lovely woman that he was attracted to you in the first place.

He probably suspected you were the codependent type who would bend over backwards to please him. Yes, you would forfeit your own needs and desires while he battered you with his emotional abuse and verbal abuse. It is probably because you are a caring and empathic person that you have trouble seeing the truth about your relationship, too.

You tell yourself that if you could only be better yet, things would be okay. You blame yourself for the fact he is not pleased – and secretly believe he has the right to belittle you. It can be difficult to take off the blinders you are invariably wearing and stare the truth hard in the face. You should remind yourself how long it has been since your narcissistic spouse has come bearing flowers and gifts – including just the gift of kind and empathic words.

How do you get out?

A narcissist is with his partner because he regards IT as a Source of Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put differently: the minute that the partner ceases to supply him with what he needs - he loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously - the narcissist objectifies his partners, treats them as he would inanimate objects.)

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon Sources of Narcissistic Supply) to devaluation (reserved for other mortals) is so swift that it is likely to inflict pain upon the narcissist's partner, even if he previously prayed for the narcissist to depart and leave him alone. The partner is the narcissist's pusher and the drug that he is proffering is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the narcissist's very essence (his False Self).

Without Narcissistic Supply the narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and shrivels - very much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to sunlight.

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: if you wish to sever your relationship with the narcissist, stop providing him with what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him (or put him in perspective and proportion), compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticize him, make suggestions, and offer help. In short, deprive him of that illusion which holds his personality together.

A narcissist / narcissistic sociopath will decide when he's finished preying on you, when you may be discarded. If you try to end the relationship, he will behave like a 5-year-old, whose favorite toy is taken away: he'll be angry, he'll try to make you feel sorry for him, he'll pretend he doesn't want you and then he'll throw another jealousy tantrum - he'll continue until you give in and take him back, or until you manage to make it absolutely clear that you will have nothing to do with him ever again. If you offer him any attention, he'll take advantage and once again manipulate you into staying in the relationship.

There is only one way: run, run fast - and don't look back!!

Many victims suffer 2-3 years before finally recovering reasonably from a relationship with a N/NS - and many receive treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When comparing experiences it is remarkable and quite scary to notice how similar their N/NS partners were/are - it feels as they are all a clone of the same man. They do and say almost exactly the same.

If you do manage to break free, congratulate yourself that you got out of there before he drained your soul completely and be proud that you saved yourself.

If you didn't break free, if you were hit by the steam roller and still have no idea what went wrong and why you were suddenly discarded, please remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a sick man and though you may still love him, he is seriously bad for you!

Here's a big hug to all my old and new friends - especially those of you who have helped me through the past 18 months. Thanks to you, I am now free and strong; rather than broken and devastated.

Karin XXXXXX

Welcome to Paradise - now without Snakes ;)

Well, this update is a bit difficult……

Many of you already know of the latest developments in my life. For the rest of you: I have ended the relationship with Jan completely and permanently. I can’t tell you why without being accused of disloyalty or “washing dirty laundry in public”, so let me just say that I had plenty of extremely good reasons to run.

I am overwhelmed by the support of my family and friends throughout the past 2 years – even though most of them have never been in this kind of situation, their empathy, understanding and patience together with online self-help groups are what have given me the strength I needed to finally end the relationship.

Now it’s time to get back on my feet and stop feeling like a naïve, gullible, romantic idiot. I need to get my self esteem back, I need to look to the future and most importantly, I need to get back the spark in my eyes. How does one do that, you ask? Well, I’m going to spend the next 2,5 months with my family and friends in Denmark and Norway. I’m leaving in less than a week and am already soooo excited. I haven’t been “home” in 3 years, so it’s about time!

There is no doubt in my mind that I’ll return to Thailand with spark, self esteem and ready to rock ;) Oh, maybe that answers the other question I’m getting………yes, I am returning to Thailand in September to continue working for the M/V Oktavia.

Our season ended 1^st May and let me assure you it was tough! We have a fantastic and unique product, but this was the first season running the boat directly, so there were quite a few things to do – routines to be established, evaluated and changed. The whole administration had to be built up from scratch and of course we didn’t want to start with too high fix costs for staff, so we all worked really hard.

Considering the global financial situation and the fact that it was our first season, we have every reason to be happy and proud. We did better than expected – but of course not as well as we hoped ;) The new mantra is……….next season, everything will be much easier/better/nicer :D I have absolutely lovely colleagues and “owners”, so I’m really looking forward to next season.

My brother, Torben, came for a week’s visit in April. We went on "my" boat 3 days and had time for a bit of touristy activities as well :) It was great to be able to show him “my world” – which is apparently very different from the images in his head; I think he was relieved to see that I am not a dive bum hanging out on the beach every day getting drunk at 11 am ;) He’s returning in December with his partner, my nieces, nephew and niece-in-law – the “kids” (hm, not sure I’m allowed to call them that) are going to do their open water course with me; gives them a chance to find out I can be strict and demanding as well :0

My brother, Jacob, is a diver - as are my niece, Bodil, and her husband; you may remember they visited me on Saba. Diving with family is so very cool; it even beats playing Monopoly at family gatherings ;) Unfortunately, Torben doesn’t dive anymore, but we snorkeled in the Similans and had a lovely hour at Koh Bon with 3 manta ray encounters. Huh, welcome to my office :D

Sadly, a combination of work, permanent illness, and relationship issues meant I didn’t spend as much time with my friends as I’d like…….that, too, will be different next season. First step is to spend a couple of days with Debs on Phuket before I fly to the cold countries :D

All in all, I’m on my way out of the deep, black hole and am fortunate and lucky to have marvelous friends and family, who not only catch me when I fall but also help me back onto my feet, Everything will be O K :D

Take care lovely people, until next time…….

Your Karin / QoW xxx

Happy New Year

Ah yes, it has indeed been a while.....

Let me start by saying that I am still in the same country as three months ago, still have the same job and am still together with Jan.

I guess one of the main reasons I haven't updated the blog in a while is that there haven't been any dramatic developments in my life the past months - except maybe one......

Difficult to believe that I've been in Khao Lak 3,5 months already! Time passes ridiculously fast when you're having fun or when you're working your butt off - both of which apply to my current situation ;)

I'd love to describe some of the fun events here, but work life is a bit hectic, so I simply don't have space in my head for it right now - but low season is just around the corner (end April) and THEN I'll have time :D

There is no doubt that I'll be in Denmark this summer btw. I really really have to see my family, it's been three years now - so even if I have to hitchhike I'll make my way up north around June-July.

Completely out of context, I read this one the other day: Some people spread happiness wherever they go, other people spread happiness whenever they go. I like that one LOL

Fortunately, I am once again surrounded by happy, positive people - what a difference it makes. I promise to do whatever I can to avoid negative, venomous people for the rest of my life; they are not worth my time or energy ;)

Speaking of time and energy (ok this was far-fetched), the aforementioned "dramatic" event occurred beginning November, when I was slightly (!) upset with Jan for suddenly not calling/chatting/emailing once or twice a day as he normally does. It went on for daaaaays. Those of you, who know me well, know that I have an above average fear of loved ones getting hurt and/or dying (yeah, you don't have to be a psychologist to figure that one out). When Jan "disappeared" for 3 days I was getting really scared, having sleepless nights, emailing my mother-in-law and having wild nightmares when I finally did sleep.

Unknown to me, Jan was on his way to Thailand (via a job interview in Abu Dhabi) where he planned to surprise me by showing up at the office - and he'd made his mom promise not to tell me. As my emails got more and more desperate, he finally told me about his plans. He was slightly (!?!?!) annoyed that I ruined his surprise ;)

In reality, though, I was very surprised - just a bit earlier than he planned, so he didn't see my surprised face. AND he would have gotten a surprise showing up at the office, cause unknown to Jan, I was on Phuket for two days with one of "my owners"

Anyway, we picked him up in the airport and he spent four weeks here, helping with some stuff in the office and just chilling. And we finally did a 5-day live-aboard trip together (on "my" boat of course): we planned it two years ago, but couldn't go because of bad weather.

The trip was great - especially if we disregard the fact that Jan was ill the first two days and I was ill the last three days. Nevertheless we did 4-5 dives together; and when a diver was suspected of having decompression sickness, it was good to have a DCS-experienced person on the boat!

I still haven't gotten rid of the sinus infection, which started during that trip. I'm on the third type of antibiotics, but it keeps coming back. Actually, I felt ok again, but when I went diving this week, I (painfully) realized that my sinuses are far from ok. Ouch.

And so it happened that I actually spent Christmas alone in bed feeling really ill, sentimental and sorry for myself. I had yellow stuff coming out of all facial orifices and what sounded like a coral-munching parrotfish inside my head. The painkillers and other medication made me soooo sleepy, but since everyone else was on the boat, I had to work. Not my best Christmas ever.

New Years Eve was much better: still ill, but at least I was on the boat. It was quite a party, guests and crew alike were starting at 18:00 already, peaked at about 21:30, but most people were awake until 00:03-ish ;)) Unfortunately, the crowd was so loud I missed all of Jan's phone calls :((( - he was on Saba to do some work on our house (which is still for sale btw).

Unfortunately, there was a tragic event lately as well: One of our sweet friends was suddenly widowed in November. Her 28-year-old boyfriend was diagnosed with and died from leukemia within just one week. What a devastating shock to her. And once again a reminder of my promise: to live life in such a way that I wouldn't want to change anything if I'd get the diagnosis tomorrow. Life is right here, right now and there can never be too much love, joy and laughter!

Carpe diem my friends. Or noctem. Or both ;))

Karin xxxx

"The less routine the more life" - Amos Bronson Alcott

Ah yes, too much routine really would not seem to become an issue in my life ;) For some bizarre reason, I have been told by several people that they find it difficult to keep track of where I live, who I work for and whether Jan and I are together or not.

So, basic information:

I live in Khao Lak, Thailand. I've been here before, I liked it and it felt rather like coming home, when I arrived 2 weeks ago after a quick (but not spontaneous) decision that the negative sides of Gangga would outweigh the positive ones, once the thrill of the novelty was wearing off.

I work for www.mvoktavia.com - an awesome live-aboard for divers and non-divers alike, and even kiddies are most welcome. It's a unique and great concept, the boat is super-duper and I thoroughly enjoy working together with the owners. There is a lot to be said about working with business-minded people who have an understanding of market powers and marketing. It's the first season we are running the boat directly with our own office etc, so there is a lot of preparation to be done. Oh yes, I mean A LOT ;)

Since I'm really the first employee, we knitted a job description for me, which should suit the needs of everyone - and which is still flexible. My title is operations manager and I guess that kinda says it all. The owners will be on the boat 95% of the time; I'll be doing just about everything there is to be done on land (selling, booking, agent contact, administration, marketing etc etc etc). Whenever I feel I'm going mad in the office, I'll go on the boat for a couple of days to recharge.

I'm very enthusiastic about this and am getting a lot of insight re setting up a live-aboard business. I have pretty much free hands and - like most other people - I thrive on the respect and confidence in my abilities of intelligent, professional people ;) I guess we all know how many work hours that will mean ;)

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere" - Frank A. Clark.

Does that answer your questions about Jan? We're still together and we're working to repair the damage. Professionally, it looks very promising for Jan and we've made a long term plan, which we are now working towards realising. He'll come to Thailand 3-4 weeks before starting his new job - hopefully we'll (ok, I'll) have time to do some fun stuff while he's here. Diving comes to mind ;)

So much update this time….at least my bad conscience is lifting now :D

Until we meet next time, I send you big hugs
Karin xxx

No Paradise without a burning dump

Apart from resizing, absolutely no Photoshop!!

One of my cheaky colleagues, Amang

Welcome to my office ;))

Chilling on the jetty.....no guitar for a change, but Ugung is great on waterbottle drums :D

No paradise without…….so far, Gangga has shown itself from the nicest side: beautiful weather, no mosquitoes and only 3 cockroaches in three weeks. We all know, though, that there must be a dent in it somewhere….

During one of my first (sleepless) nights on the island, I decided to grab my water bottle and sit outside on my porch in the moonlight. Only I couldn't see the moon. It looked rather foggy actually. And it smelled like…..well like….ehm……burning rubbish?!?!

Even at that time of night with a week of insomnia behind me, I quickly concluded that someone was actually burning waste/rubbish/garbage (depends where you're from) in the middle of the night.

And so it is. What do you do on a tiny little island? We obviously try to recycle as much as possible. Bottles, cans etc are smashed and brought to the mainland for recycling. Everything organic is being used for compost. And the rest……is burned at night, when the guests are asleep and will not get their precious holiday disturbed by the smoke and/or smell.

We have our own water purifying plant here and of course our own power station, since the solar panels don't generate enough power for the air condition units. We are as environment-friendly as possible - but alas the expectations of today's tourists (I will not call them travellers) are so high that we have to compromise at the cost of nature.

When I read some online reviews before going here, the main 3 complaints were:
- not enough pressure in the shower
- cockroaches on the porch of the bungalow
- have to re-programme the AC settings every time the generator is switched (3 times per day)

I mean, pppplllleeeeeaaaaassseee…….we're on a tiny little island in Indonesia, surrounded by trees, mangrove etc. What exactly do you expect? The NYC Ritz Carlton???

Luckily, not all guests are like that - and some of them actually come here for the spectacular diving.

On a different note, you may (or if you're not on Facebook, may not) have noticed that Jan and I are back together again. YES, I know, I know, I know.

We've talked (chatted, emails) for hours and hours (think I sleep 3-4 hours per night on average) and we've decided that our relationship deserves a second chance. Soooo many things were wrong in our relationship and the surroundings definitely played a major role in that! We're starting with a clean slate and then we'll take it step by step; Jan is planning to come to Indonesia asap - if not for work, then at least for a visit.

My new favourite picture for the situation is that leopards don't change their spots, whereas the ugly duckling did turn into a beautiful swan. I hope and believe that Jan is unfolding the beautiful swan within him.

Enough for now, must get back to life in Paradise ;)) Stay tuned for the exciting entry "First Underwater Impressions", which has been delayed, following the sad (but total) breakdown of my regulator….

Yours

QoW

Around the world in 7 days

In preparation of the move, the first hurdle was to reduce all my belongings to two suitcases and one carry-on with a total weight of no more than 53 kg. We borrowed a very old scale, which indicated a total weight of somewhere between 40 and 70 kg. Hmmm, close enough.

Finally, it was time to leave the rock for good. Yeah, yeah, I said that last time as well. But this time….We worked really hard to get the house hurricane-proof and as much of the cosmetic work on the outside done as possible. That meant no farewell parties etc., but we did go to Eden for an absolutely outstanding last dinner on Saba.

We were very sad to leave the house. We put a lot of time, effort, work, blood, sweat and cursing into that place. As ironic as it may sound (since I have just broken up with Jan) we had our happiest time together after we moved into that house.

Saturday we cleaned and closed the house up - with lots of time to spare; we had 3 minutes to relax and enjoy the place, before Ernest picked us up to take us to Fort Bay, the harbour on Saba. Our close friends Nina & Norbert came with us (including baby in belly, which I still hope will be born on my birthday), and we all went for a last beer or two (ginger ale for Nina of course) at Pop's Place, appropriately enough.

An hour later I found myself on The Edge (ferry), once again leaving Saba for good. Unfortunately, the guys broke the wheel of my suitcase on the way - and silly me had just given Nina all my excess "stuff" including a perfectly fine suitcase….oh well. The usual remedies, cable ties and duct tape couldn't handle it, but epoxy did the trick ;)

Jan and I spent 3 lovely days on St. Maarten and I got all the last little bits and pieces that I needed for Indonesia. We had a wonderful room with a bourgonvilla-clad balcony in the Pasanggrahan Hotel in Philipsburg - highly recommendable. The imminent separation made the situation a bit sad, but we enjoyed our last days together.

Tuesday morning we went to the airport at stupid o'clock. Of course my bags were overweight, so I had to get rid of some clothes. I was prepared for it, so out went a pre-packed plastic bag with things I'd have liked to have, but don't necessarily need. An hour, 49 hugs & kisses and numerous tears later, Jan boarded his plane to go to Canada. I was devastated as I watched his plane take off, having an overwhelming sensation of emptiness.

A couple of hours later it was my turn. A 5-hour flight took me to JFK airport in New York, where I had plenty of time (6 hours) to catch the connecting flight. And of course, since I had so much time, I was through immigration, picked up my bags, went through customs and made it to the other terminal in less than half an hour. Probably a new record.

That was great, because it left me with 3 hours in a check-in area with all my luggage and no shops, no food, no water. Finally, they opened the counter and I managed to charm my way to an emergency exit seat on the following flights. Hallelujah. Curiously enough, my luggage had lost weight: instead of 46 kg check-in, I now only had 42 kg. Hmmm.

A couple of hours later I boarded, ready for 6 hours to Vancouver, followed by a one-hour stop and then 13 hours to Hong Kong. Uh, I love emergency exit seats :D

Hong Kong Airport is actually very nice, but by that time I was too tired to appreciate anything. I just wanted the trip to end and go to bed. Next flight wasn't too bad - 4 hours to Singapore. It was HOT in Singapore. I got my luggage and went straight to the hotel. My new employer had kindly booked me into a hotel in the middle of the shopping district; dangerous I can assure you ;)

First of all I called Mr. Milak, who came to the hotel and picked up my passport and an envelope of money. He was to take care of the embassy business and make sure I got the right visa. I do not. I mean I really do NOT like to give away my passport to a complete stranger, especially when I'm in a foreign country. Didn't have much of a choice though.

Very unusual for me, I skipped dinner and went to bed early. Friday morning it was time for me to locate a dive shop, more specifically a dive shop which also does repairs on Suunto dive computers. According to the internet, it wouldn't be difficult. Well, it was. See, the Monday after was a bank holiday, so many shops were closed Friday for an extra long weekend. I walked 8-9 km that day and saw a lot of dive shops, a lot of closed dive shops, as it were. Finally, as I was close to giving up, I found one - and even one that could change my battery that same day. Lucky me. Where did I find it? - In the Lucky shopping mall. I should have looked at the names and started there, obviously ;)

I was left with a bit of time, which I used wisely: a massage, a haircut and a little bit of shopping. When I checked with the hotel, they had received my passport back and it even had the right stamp. What a good day. After picking up my computer at 8pm, I was ready for - and felt that I deserved - a beer!! And then it was bedtime, since I had to be at the airport Saturday morning at 7.

A short 3-hour flight later I arrived in Manado, where I quite unexpectedly had absolutely no problems with immigration AND both my suitcases (which had gained weight to 49.5 kg in the meantime) arrived. One of the sweet girls from the resort, Shanti, picked me up and we had a lovely one-hour drive through the landscape of North Sulawesi. I was particularly intrigued by the gold-mining activities; there is absolutely no high-tech about that!

Our boat was waiting at the pier for the 15-minute boat ride to Gangga Island, where the manager, Hanne, was waiting with a big hug. I felt welcome right away. Everybody had seen my picture and heard about me - and everybody was apparently very happy to welcome me.


There are 30 rooms in the resort (www.ganggaisland.com) - and 120 employees excluding the day workers. I have met more than half of them and am proud to say that I remember at least 5 names ;) Hanne and I are the only foreigners permanently on Gangga and we're both Danish. Vikings out to conquer the world again?

The dive shop has about 20 male employees, who are all very happy to have a girl here now as well. They seem to have a contest, where the winner is the guy who is the sweetest and most helpful to me - whatever I start doing/lifting, there's someone who jumps in, pushes me away and says "I'll do that".

I have a beautiful bungalow here, it's very luxurious actually. Nice bathroom with lots of hot water (obviously important to me), a nice little porch, and housekeeping cleans and does my laundry. Not too bad ;)

Because I am a foreigner I don't live and eat with the other dive staff. I find that a bit awkward, but that's the way things are here. I get all my meals in the guest restaurant and let me assure you that the food is great and there's plenty of it :D This month there is another foreigner, Didier, here as well; so we generally eat together. When he leaves, I'll be eating alone most of the time, since we're not allowed to sit with the guests. Oh well.

My work days start at 7 at the moment. When I start guiding it's one hour earlier, but that'll be a while. The plan is that I do all the instructing for now and then get to know the dive sites. They take that very seriously and don't expect me to be ready to guide for another 5-6 months. In the meantime I'm taking over some of Hannes responsibilities, since she's super-busy as manager of both the dive op and the resort.

There are two villages on Gangga Island. They are called No. 1 and No. 2 ;) One is Muslim and one is Christian. In total there are about 3000 people in the villages (so they say); but that sounds like a ridiculous number for such a tiny island. I haven't had time to go there yet, but I am curious of course.

There's more to follow, but this'll do it for now. I'm hungry and it's almost dinner time ;))) So stay tuned for "No paradise without a burning dump" and "First underwater impressions"

Take care lovely people
Karin xxx

Not everything that shines is actually gold....

- that's what my mother used to say. And as is often the case with mothers, she was completely right, even though I didn't always see it that way when she was alive - that, I believe, is just as typical when it comes to mothers/daughters ;)

It seems to be just as true that no year goes by without some major changes happening in my life. Some of them are good, some great - and some really bad.

Why would 2009 be an exception, I ask?

It started out nicely on Saba, but unfortunately things went rapidly downhill. The details are quite dramatic and will take a while for me to process, but I'll live and I'll land on my feet once again.

I made the decision to finally accept the offer to come and work in a small resort in Indonesia. We have been emailing for 2 years, but the timing was never right. Do you believe in destiny? I don't know if I do, but on the 19th March 2009 things happened……it was 7 years ago that Martin died, so it was a difficult day to start with. It was also the day that turned my life upside down and I found out that I should have trusted my gut feeling. And it was the day that the Gangga Island Resort & Spa wrote me the most pleading email so far.

It took my head a couple of months to convince my heart, but it seemed like the only logical solution. I believe you all know how much I love Jan (enough to let him persuade me to return to Saba last year, even though I'd said I'd never ever never return!!!), so I am sure you can appreciate how difficult the decision to go to Indonesia was.

Jan supported me, though, and put a lot of effort into looking for work somewhere in this region, so that he could be closer to me. Unfortunately, our relationship couldn't be fixed; there was too much damage. Reality is the best possible cure for dreams - and this dream was no longer realistic.

Saba was a traumatic experience in several ways, but I also met some truly amazing people and made some friends for life.

"Always trust your compass"….That's what we teach divers. You may think you know better, but you don't - you should always trust your compass, it's always right. The lesson I learned on Saba was: "Always trust your gut feeling". If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck; guess what: it IS a duck - even if it tries to convince you that it's a swan. I'll make an effort to never ignore or even doubt my instinct again……

Stay tuned for the next two updates: "Around the world in 7 days" and "No paradise without a burning dump"


Lotsa xxx